I'm sorry I've been gone forever.. but you've heard that all before. It's my ex... I spent so much time on him. he was my first ever, and I just spent so much time focusing on him, I started to forget everything around me for a bit. I have to say I;m better now... he was really the main reason why I left my house and was living on my own. I went through my art block, and I never stopped think of drawing only him. I drew him alot on paper, I wanted to draw with him. I wanted to do so much with him. but unfortunately he didn't treat me at all with respect, and one day I went berserk... threw shoes at his car. I;m not gonna tell you guys the whole shibang, but basically I feel, and I think I can assume that he has told everyone around him so that he looks like some kind of victim, so that everything he did to me would go away because of this incident. which actually worked anyways, but it was wrong of me to do it .. he just really tore me up inside, alot. and I just couldn't leave him because of how much I thought I loved him. it hurt.I wanted to spend time before he left to go to iraq with him and he just was cold and harsh to me, I was wondering why so much. I gave him space to do what he wanted with friends, I did what I thought was right and once I came to spend time with him he just wanted to cast me aside. I just felt so bad that I broke, and went psycho bitch. Still there are some things in the past that are my fault. but goddammit what the fuck am I supposed to do anyways? it was my first relationship, and he was such an asshole. he said he had patience with me but really it seemed more like he wanted me to be something I wasn't. maybe it is because I need to mature. I don;t know. but now that I have my life back, I hopefully can focus more on my art and what I want to accomplish in life. I'm still working in a grocery store, but I will also start working as a pharm tech as of tomorrow, or so I was told by the pharm manager. I really hope they aren;t playing me. I;m also thinking of joining the navy after I complete my two years in college so I can raise enough money to go to art school. it;ll give me more time to choose as well. I was focus a while on going to cal arts, but maybe some years in the navy might help me decide some. who knows i might even change my major. So yeah I'm trying to grow up now... I just feel so hateful for what happened. I know some of the things that happened are also part of my losses, but I still feel like injustice was done to me in the relationship. But WHAT CAN I SAY? so there it is. I don;t have a scanner so I might have to rely on friends for shit but it's all good. my step dad's in Afghanistan too.... once he comes back, my parents are moving back to Colorado. I;m staying here. so I think it;s a good thing that I got two jobs in once place. hopefully I make alot of money. I'm going to miss them alot. A WHOLE lot. I have my friends to help me and they are there whenever I need them, and also to you all who have stayed and waited for me to return; to you all, I want to say, thanks. I feel as if sometimes I take certain things for granted. and I learned this through my ex, out of what he does to some of the people around him. I've learned to appreciate more, because of the things he doesn't do. And I hope I do become a better person through time. I pray for it. Alright, well work is at 9:00 am tomorrow. So I love you all. thanks.